The Facts of Life
by Graykiss
Summary: It's time for Danny, Jesse, and Joey to face the facts: D.J. isn't a little girl anymore. Jesse and Joey discover this the hard way when D.J. is faced with a little feminine problem.


**Disclaimer: The characters of Full House do not belong to me.**

_**Author's Note: **This was just a short story I wrote for fun, but I decided to post it here on Fanfiction. Please keep in mind that I have not seen that many episodes of Full House, but I tried the best that I could to keep everything in canon. If I have made a mistake somewhere in this story, please tell me. Otherwise, enjoy!_

**The Facts of Life**

"They're just growing up so fast, Jesse!" Danny exclaimed after taking a sip of his coffee. "I mean, D.J. is in her first year of junior high school!" He paused. "What happened, Jess? Next thing I know, Michelle will be off to college!"

Jesse shrugged nonchalantly. "Daniel, you go through this every year. You need to chill out, man! D.J. is fine! Yeah, she had a bit of a rough first week getting back to school, but honestly, who doesn't?"

"I didn't," Danny said indignantly.

Jesse rolled his eyes.

Danny sighed once again. "Don't you get it, Jesse? My little girl isn't so little anymore. She's like a young woman now. She's wearing makeup, for god's sake!"

Joey entered the kitchen then. "Danny, you did give D.J. the talk already, didn't you?"

"Yes, and it was embarrassing and awkward, and I don't ever want to go through that again," he replied, shuddering at the thought. Suddenly he perked up. "Hey, I know," Danny said, smiling. "I have three girls, and there are three of us. Joey, you can talk to Stephanie, and Jesse, you can talk to Michelle."

"You're their father," Jesse reminded him.

"Besides," added Joey, "Steph is only seven-years-old, and Michelle is only two. I think we've got a few more years until our turn comes around, Danny."

"Well, cherish those years," he advised them.

Jesse laughed out loud then. "Jeez, time does fly, doesn't it?" He smiled faintly. "I remember when I was around D.J.'s age, and my father had given me the talk. Man, did I flip out! And then having to learn what girls go through... I teased my sister for weeks."

Danny was silent for a moment. "If Pam was here, she'd be the ones giving the girls the talk," he said quietly.

Sentimental moments were always awkward for Jesse, and always tried to escape them as soon as possible. "Well, she isn't, is she, Danny? Let's focus on the present now. And in the present, as in now, you, Danny, are supposed to be cleaning up the tables, Joey is supposed to be doing the laundry, and I will be watching television." At that, Jesse marched out of the room before anyone could stop him.

Once Jesse had left, Joey turned to his best friend. "Danny, you really need to loosen up. You're taking D.J.'s growing up harder than she is. Give her some space, okay?" He gave Danny a one-armed hug before heading downstairs to get the laundry.

Danny sighed loudly. He got up and began washing the dishes. He didn't get very far, though, because a couple of minutes later, Joey came running up the stairs, his eyes shining.

"Oh, Jesse!" Joey called in a teasing, sing-song voice. His hands were behind his back. Once Jesse entered the kitchen, Joey continued. "Looks like you've been keeping something from us, Jess."

Jesse was confused. "Keeping what from you, man?"

Joey grinned maliciously before pulling out his hands from behind his back, revealing a small, white bra. "So much for having some alone time a couple days ago, huh, Jess? You skipped our family dinner at the restaurant because you said you were writing a song. Ha! A song! Well, you were definitely making some music, that's for sure."

"Jesse Katsopolis!" Danny cried, horrified. "How could you lie to me like this? You know how uncomfortable I am with you having girls in my house doing God knows what!" He paused. "Actually, I think _I_ know what, and I certainly don't like it."

Jesse laughed out loud. "Danny, you know I haven't been seeing any other girls since Becky and I started dating."

Apparently, this wasn't the right thing to say. Danny's eyes went wide. "Becky?" he exclaimed, his eyes like saucers. "_That _belongs to Becky? Oh, my god. Jesse, I work with her! I'll never be able to look her in the eyes again!"

"No!" Jesse shook his head furiously. "That doesn't belong to her," he insisted. "Trust me, Danny, I would know something like that, and that isn't hers."

"I really didn't need to hear that," Danny muttered, putting his hands over his ears.

Jesse rolled his eyes. "Sorry to ruin your fun, Joseph, but that does not belong to Becky."

Joey looked crushed for a moment, but then he began staring at Danny. "Are you hiding something, Danny? If this isn't Jesse's or my doing..." His voice trailed off.

Danny gagged, and Jesse feigned a horrified look. "My, my, Daniel, looks like the cat is out of the bag now, you hypocrite!" He smirked.

"I am not a hypocrite!" insisted Danny. "And no, Joey, I haven't had any girls in any bedroom of this house since Pam was alive."

An awkward silence filled the room. Finally, Joey broke the tension slightly by saying, "Well, boys, it seems as if there is only one logical explanation. This belongs to D.J."

Jesse and Danny looked at each other and began to laugh. "Are you kidding me, Joey?" Danny exclaimed, slapping his knee.

"Yeah, yeah, that's really funny, Joseph," snorted Jesse.

"No, guys, I'm serious. Who else could it belong to?" Joey's face was completely serious and void of emotion. "You said it yourself, Danny. D.J. is growing up."

The expression on Danny's face changed within five seconds. "No!" he shouted, shaking his head in disbelief. "I didn't mean she was growing up _that_ quickly! Baby steps, you know. These are big giant steps, Joey." He paused to take a breath. "Where did she get this from, anyway? She's been grounded for a week for sneaking off to the mall with Kimmy and her brother at eight in the morning to be first in line for a sale at some teen store."

"Oh, I think I know, Danny," Jesse said grimly. "Remember last week when D.J. was on the phone talking to Becky for twenty minutes? Becky came here at around lunch time with a small bag. She told me it was a present for D.J."

"Becky?" Danny exclaimed for the second time that morning. His expression changed from surprise to anger. "_Becky..._" He said this in a low hiss, causing Jesse and Joey to look at him curiously.

"What is it, Danny?" Joey asked, concerned.

Danny ignored him. "Jesse, you need to have a talk with your girlfriend. I am D.J.'s father, and _I_ should be raising her, not Becky!"

Jesse didn't like this idea. "Uh, Danny... Becky is a girl, you know. She could probably, uh, be able to talk to D.J. about this things more easily than you could."

Joey snorted. "Jesse's right, Danny. I mean, I read your rough draft from when you were trying to figure out how to give D.J. the talk. Seriously, Danny, I mean, 'When you reach puberty, you will be going through many mysterious changes that may eventually lead to a stork appearing when you are around thirty-years-old,' is not good at all."

"Oh, my god!" Jesse cried, laughing loudly. "You wrote that, Danny?"

Danny glared at his best friends. "Shut up, okay?"

o-O-o-o

It was Christmas vacation, and everything was hectic. Danny had gone to the studio to do his show by himself, since Becky had gone to Nebraska. She would be there for a few days, but she would be back home in time for Christmas. Jesse had gone grocery shopping for the family, but then realized that he had to do his Christmas shopping, too. This meant, of course, that Joey would be in charge of D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle for the entire day.

At first, Joey was indignant. _What about _my_ Christmas shopping? _he wanted to ask. _What about the fact that I was supposed to go out today to see my cousin? _Eventually, he raised his hands in defeat and decided to stay home with the girls. He had his responsibilities, and watching his best friends' daughters were part of his responsibility, so there was nothing he could do about it.

He had decided to let them lounge around the house and do whatever they wanted to. That was fine for a little while, but D.J. was in a bad mood, which caused her to snap at Stephanie. This caused Stephanie to be irritable, and now she and Michelle were fighting over what to do.

"I want to play with the Twister game!" Stephanie cried, trying to pull the polka-dotted mat away from her younger sister.

"It's a tent," Michelle insisted, tugging at her corner of the mat. "I made it." She gestured towards the chairs that she had arranged. It was obvious that the Twister mat was supposed to go on top of the chairs, but Stephanie had stopped that from happening.

Stephanie was not in a good mood, either. "Give it to me!" she said, twisting her arm furiously in an attempt to pull the mat from Michelle. Her arm smacked one of the chairs as it swung back, causing the chair to hit the floor."

Michelle's eyes went wide. "You broke my tent!" she said, shocked.

"I did not break it," said Stephanie frostily. "Look, the chair just toppled over." She reached out to pick up the fallen chair when she noticed the dent in her father's perfectly waxed wooden floor. "Oops."

Apparently, Michelle had seen the dent, too. "You're in big trouble, mister," she said, her eyes growing wider with each second.

"I'm a girl, Michelle."

"Du-uh."

Joey had had enough. "Girls, relax! We'll just move the rug over a little bit. There! Danny won't notice."

Michelle and Stephanie looked over at each other. They were still upset with each other. "She wanted to use the Twister mat for her tent, but I wanted to play with it," Stephanie complained.

"Who are you going to play with, silly?" Michelle spoke up.

D.J finally emerged from her room. Her face was red. "Joey, can I talk to you for a second?" she said quietly.

Joey looked over at Stephanie and Michelle for a moment, then turned his attention to D.J. "Sure, Deej. What is it?"

"Not here," she whispered. "Can we talk in my room?"

Stephanie and Michelle looked rather excited at this potential piece of gossip, but Joey simply gave them a look. "I'll be right up, D.J. Girls, you stay down here."

The girls nodded.

Once they were in her room, Joey said, "So, what is it, D.J.?"

D.J. was quiet for a moment. She bit her lip in concentration. Joey was tempted to prompt her, but he knew that that would get them nowhere. Finally, she said in a low voice, "I have a bit of a problem, Joey."

Joey had gathered that much, but he decided that now was not the best time to tease D.J., judging by the solemn look on her face. "Well, spill it, Deej. I can't help you with your problem if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"Well... it's sort of a... feminine problem, Joey." D.J. looked down at her feet embarrassedly, her face growing redder and redder.

Joey finally understood. "Oh," he said, unsure of what else to say. "Um... is there anything you need?"

"See, that's the thing. I don't have any... um, supplies or anything. There's nothing in the bathroom cupboard," she replied. "I, um, have been using toilet paper, but I don't think that will work for too long."

Joey thought for a few moments. "It's a bit of a long shot, but maybe Becky left some things here for herself at one point or another. Do you want me to call her?"

D.J. nodded. "Yes, please," she said as she sat down on her bed.

Numbly, he walked over to the phone and dialed the number that Becky had left for them. "Hey, Becky?" Joey said when the familiar voice answered.

"Joey! How are you doing?" Becky's voice asked over the phone.

"I'm doing fine, thanks. Listen," Joey began, lowering his voice slightly, "D.J. is having a bit of a... female problem, let's call it, and we were wondering if you left any supplies for yourself with Jesse."

Becky was surprised. "Put D.J. on the phone for a moment, will you, Joey?" Joey handed the phone to D.J. Before she even had a chance to say hello, Becky started talking. "Hey, honey. Was this your first time?"

D.J. relaxed a bit, feeling much more comfortable talking to another woman about her situation. "Yeah, it was, Becky," she said, a faint smile appearing on her face.

"Congratulations, D.J.!" Becky exclaimed. "I'm sorry I couldn't have been around to give you more help with your first period. I imagine Joey's a bit frantic, having to deal with this sort of thing."

D.J. had to grin. "Thanks, Becky. Yeah, he's just a bit frantic."

"Anyway, I guess I shouldn't keep you too long, should I? Well, go to Jesse's room and look in the top drawer of the nightstand. I'm not certain, but I think I left a couple tampons in there a while ago. Jesse never goes in that drawer."

"I can't use those!" D.J. said, panicked.

Becky sighed. "Sorry, D.J., but I don't think you have much of a choice. I have to go now, but good luck, honey!"

It was D.J.'s turn to sigh. "Thanks for your help, Becky," she said before putting the phone down.

"Well?" Joey asked. D.J. had almost forgotten that he was in the room with here.

"Becky thinks that she may have left some things in Uncle Jesse's nightstand, but she's not sure. I'll go take a look," D.J. said quickly, becoming a bit desperate.

When she opened the drawer, however, D.J. was filled with despair. It was empty, except for a bracelet and a note that read: _Note to self - must buy tampons as soon as possible._

Groaning from both disappointment and cramps, D.J. made her way back to her bedroom. "No luck," D.J. informed Joey. "Now what do we do?"

Joey grimaced. "I think there's only one thing we can do now, D.J. Why don't you go to the bathroom and wait for now?"

"Okay. Thanks, Joey. I really owe you one," D.J. said as she headed for the bathroom.

This left Joey alone in the room. He braced himself, then picked up the phone. He dialed the number slowly, knowing that Jesse would not be happy with him.

"Hey, Joey!" Jesse said, picking up his cell phone instantly. "Glad you called. I can't read your handwriting. Is it 'corn chips' or 'corn dogs' that you wanted me to get?"

"Those can wait, Jesse," answered Joey. "Oh, and by the way, it's 'Corn Pops'."

Jesse laughed over the phone. "Right! I knew that, man."

"Hey, listen," Joey continued, his voice serious, "I have to ask you a favour."

While he couldn't see Jesse's face, Joey could just imagine his expression. "Oh, no."

Joey took a deep breath. "You see, Jess, D.J. got her first period today, and she doesn't have any supplies with her. We looked in the bathroom cabinet and in Becky's drawer in your nightstand, but no luck."

There was a long pause. "What? Oh, no. You can't possibly be asking me to buy..."

"Sorry, Jess."

Jesse was livid. "Joey, come on, man! I don't know anything about buying 'feminine products'. How am I supposed to know which one to choose?"

"What do you mean, 'which one'?" Now Joey was confused.

Jesse picked up a green package in front of him. "Joey, this one says 'light, with wings'. Where the hell are the wings? What about this one? It says 'heavy, scented'. What if she wants unscented? And this one! Joey, it says 'regular, with cardboard applicator'. ...Oh, wait, I think those are tampons. Oh, my god, Joey, what am I doing?" He was really panicking now.

"Jesse, go ask a saleswoman for help or something. I've got to get going. I've left Stephanie and Michelle downstairs for long enough. Remember, you can pick up the rest of the groceries later. Just grab something and get here as soon as possible," Joey instructed. Before Jesse could protest, Joey put down the phone, sighing contentedly. His job was done.

o-O-o-o

While Joey, Stephanie, and Michelle were camping out in the tent made out of four chairs an a Twister mat, Jesse was frantically trying to decide which kind of pads he should buy for his niece.

"Scented, unscented, light, overnight, wings, no wings," Jesse grumbled to himself. "Pink ones, yellow ones, big ones, little ones, applicators - Damn it, those are tampons again. Okay, green ones, medium ones, really thin ones - "

"Need any help, sir?" a cheerful saleswoman asked.

Normally, Jesse would have been embarrassed in this kind of situation and would have tried to play it cool, but he was too frustrated to care. "Yes! I need help! Where is my girlfriend when I need her? Oh, wait, she's in Nebraska."

"These are for your girlfriend, sir?"

This seemed to snap Jesse back to attention. "Oh, no. I need something for a twelve-year-old girl. She's my niece, and this is her first time, you know. Just give me anything, please, lady. I don't know what I'm doing here."

The lady bit back a smile and handed a small, pink package to Jesse. "These are good if you're just starting out."

Jesse was so relieved to have his job done and over with. "Oh, thank you, good lady!" he cried, throwing his arms around the young woman tightly. Then he ran over to the cash register as the saleswoman and other onlookers stared at him.

o-O-o-o

When Jesse arrived back home, he found Joey, Stephanie, and Michelle fast asleep in their tent. Quietly, he went up the stairs and knocked on the bathroom door. "D.J.?" he whispered.

"Is that you, Joey?" The door opened a crack. "Uncle Jesse!" exclaimed D.J., surprised.

Jesse thrust the plastic bag into D.J.'s hands. "Here," he said, "these are for you. The kind, oh-so wonderful saleswoman gave these to me earlier."

D.J. looked in the bag. She blushed profusely, but managed to squeak out, "T-thank you so much, Uncle Jesse."

A few minutes later, D.J. came out from the bathroom, smiling. Jesse was waiting for her in the hallway. He knew that she had wanted to talk to him. "You know, I'd really been dreading this day for the longest time," D.J. said. "I thought that it was going to be the most awkward and embarrassing time of my life. And you know what? I was right." D.J. blushed again, but she continued smiling. "But thanks to you and Joey, it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be."

Jesse smiled and pulled his oldest niece in for a hug. "You're welcome, D.J.," he said, ruffling her hair. After a pause, he said, "You know, this whole thing is a new experience. For you especially, D.J., but for me, too. I've been trying to deny it, but it's hard for me to accept the fact that you really are growing up. Actually, if your father, Joey, and I hadn't had our big discussion a few months ago, I would have thought that Joey was playing some awful joke on me. Listen, I know it's hard not having your mom around to talk to about these situations, but you can always come to your dad or Joey or me. We may not be women, but we're all that you've got. Oh, you can talk to Becky, too, of course, if that would be easier for you." He grinned. "I love you, D.J."

"I love you, too, Uncle Jesse," D.J. whispered, hugging her uncle tighter. Suddenly, D.J. broke free from their hug and clutched her stomach. "Cramps," she muttered. She looked up at her uncle. "I don't suppose you bought any Midol, too, did you?"

Jesse turned pale. "Hey, I bought you the pads, all right?"

D.J. laughed. "Relax, Uncle Jesse. I was just teasing you." Jesse laughed faintly at this, but D.J. knew that she had frightened him.

"I'm home!" Danny called from downstairs. D.J. and Jesse rushed down to greet him. "Hey, you guys! What did I miss today?"

Jesse laughed loudly this time. "Joey can explain the whole thing later, Danny, once he wakes up. I'm sure he's just dying to tell you every single detail," he replied with a smirk. _Payback time_, he thought, grinning.

_**The End**_

_** A/n: **I realize that this sort of thing would never happen on the actual 'Full House' show, but I tried to make it sound as much like a Full House episode as I could with this subject matter. Please send me some feedback on this story. Thanks for reading._

_Sunny_

_UPDATE 7-13-07: I edited this story slightly for grammatical errors.  
_


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